A night I'd rather forget
by dipothebookworm
Summary: What do you get when you mix the best-looking boys (and girl) of Ouran Academy with a ton of booze? A complete freakin' mess, that's what. Ongoing series, with multiple pairings. Very cracky, with a touch of angst.
1. Kyoya

A night I'd rather forget

(A/N: I don't own OHSHC, Bisco Hatori does,so Kyoya can't deport me for writing this. Right? Anyway, this is a new cracky series my plot bunnies have bullied me about, and there is no stopping those bastards.)

To be honest, Kyoya rather had this coming. Tamaki wanting the club to go with him to a 'commoner bar'? A terrible idea. But Tamaki was so full of terrible ideas. Why should tonight have been any different?

At any rate, there had been a beer drinking contest going on. A frat house was hosting some stupid party there, so the campus bar was full of students in various states of inebriation: tipsy, stumbling, drunk and flat out wasted. Of course, Tamaki insisted on buying drinks for everyone, like he saw in some retarded American movie.

"Drinks all around, bartender!", Tamaki roared. Everyone screamed happily in response.

Why was he here again? Oh yeah.

* * *

><p><em>An hour earlier:<em>

"_Kyoya!", Tamaki screamed. "It's Friday night and we must go out drinking! It's a college ritual!"_

_Kyoya sighed. _

"_First, you ignoramus, there is no such ritual. Second, we are in university. Third, you are an idiot."_

"_But Mommy! Our children and neighbors are going! We all must go as a family!"_

"_The day I let you in my family will be a sad, sad day for the Ootoris. Get out of here."_

_Then Tamaki did THE POUT. Possibly the only thing that Kyoya could not defend against. No harm in trying though…_

_53 seconds. That was how long he could hold out against Tamaki. A new record._

"_Fine, I'll go. But if I have to do anything stupid, I'll kill you."_

"_AH! Kyoya! Mon ami! I knew you wanted to do it!"_

_And Tamaki commenced to do the swinging hugging thing. Kyoya hated that._

_After disentangling himself from that blond idiot, Kyoya had an eerie feeling that some major events were going to happen, and that he was not necessarily going to like them._

"_I'm just going to a bar. That doesn't mean I'll do anything stupid…"_

_Kyoya also felt like he was going to be made to eat those words._

* * *

><p>The present:<p>

Watching Tamaki crowd surf inside the bar, Kyoya realized that he could have been back in his dorm, destroying someone's livelihood by crashing their stocks. It certainly would be entertaining, and much more intriguing than watching the former Hosts being stupid.

One of the twins (he didn't bother which, they were both annoying) was having a deep conversation with a shot glass, while the other was swimming on the floor.

Mori, Honey and Haruhi were simply staring at them. Honey took pictures.

"Honestly", Kyoya mused. "If only the rest had a brain…"

All of a sudden, Tamaki was beside Kyoya again.

"Mother! Have some cola! You haven't drunk anything, that's almost a crime in this sort of place."

"Er, fine. As long as it is just a soda."

"Yeeah."

As soon as Kyoya sipped it, it occurred to him that it tasted rather… different. Kind of like hand sanitizer, but not really.

"Tamaki, what's in this?"

"It's a magic coke."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Let me refill your cup."

Tamaki snatched the empty cup from Kyoya, ran to the bar, and came back moments later with several more drinks. Tamaki had a stupid smile on his face, but since when was that new? Kyoya picked up a cup and drank. It was unusual for Kyoya to be such a glutton, but hey, they were supposed to let loose and all that crap, and he was thirsty.

3 cups later, Kyoya felt very strange. Kind of free. Like he could tell the world exactly how he felt about it.

Haruhi and Mori had watched the entire scene, and looked kind of concerned. Haruhi looked up at her senpai.

"Mori-senpai? Should we tell Kyoya that he just drank 4 rum and cokes? I have a feeling he's about to do something stupid."

Mori looked at her and smiled.

"Haruhi, you know this is possibly the only time that Kyoya will be this vulnerable."

"So? What does that mean?"

Mori sighed. If he didn't know better, he would really think that she was a tool.

"It means that we are going to have a very interesting evening."

And boy, was it.

Kyoya stomped up to the table where they were having the beer drinking contest and challenged the winner.

"You're not so great. I am an Ootori, and can easily defeat you."

* * *

><p>Ten minutes and 17 ½ pints later, Kyoya swaggered from the table victoriously, and plopped down on the seat next to Haruhi.<p>

"I am the SHADOW KING! Bow before my evil ways before I ruin your family!"

Haruhi winced, and tried not to giggle. His shirt was askew, and his glasses were lopsided.

"Senpai, I think that you need to take a break."

"NEVER! I don't take orders, I MAKE THEM! Don't test me!"

Kyoya then proceeded to get up and stand on the chair.

"And I have some announcements to make! Tamaki you f***ing idiot! Round up the twins! I order you!"

He was completely plastered.

"First, why do you call me Mommy? You're my bitch, and DON'T forget it! I AM THE PIMP OF THE HOST CLUB!"

All of the former hosts looked up to see this event. Kyoya, the 'cool' type, and Shadow King, the guy who almost never showed emotion, and sat quietly in the background, was currently standing on a bar stool and screaming his lungs out.

"All of you! I had to deal with your crap for years! Honey-senpai! All those F***ING CAKES! How are you not OBESE! WHY? And you made me buy them! Your FACE! You look like a f***ing baby! ARGH! And Mori! (hic) Why do people even like you? YOU NEVER TALK! SAY SOMETHING FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! TWINS! Kikaru! Haoru! Hikaru! (hic) YOU disgust ME! THE INCEST THE PRANKS THERSEHRJDK! (hic) HARUHI! YOU IDIOT! I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE GDHFGHGFZ AND YOU DON'T F***ING SEE ANYTHING! LOVE ME! Tamaki you SHIT! WHY DO I even-

ACK!"

He had gotten so excited from all his announcements that he began swinging his arms wildly and flailing. It was like watching a train wreck. Horrible, but you couldn't tear your eyes away. He lost his balance, and promptly toppled over the chair, falling flat on his face.

And getting back up immediately to continue ranting.

"MY FATHER! All his mind games and maybe you can be heir and maybe you can't and not good enough and never speaking and! CRAZY OLD MAN! Screw your company! (hic) I can buy and sell you! I ALREADY DID! BITE IT!"

Haruhi managed to stop laughing long enough to tap him on the shoulder.

"Senpai, if you keep going on like this, you will make a fool of yourself. How about you calm down. Write in your creepy notebook. Hmm?"

That made it worse.

"Y'know whats in my notebook? I'LL TELL YOU ALL! My plans for WORLD DOMINATION! CAT PHOTOS! COOKIE RECIPES! LOVELETTERS! THE FUTURE! HBVGCFDX! (hic) (insert whatever inane curses a drunk person spews out when they are completely hammered)"

And with his performance almost over, he kissed Haruhi on the lips and flopped over asleep. Snoring.

The ex-Hosts still watched, mouths agape.

Tamaki timidly stepped forward.

"So, how about we DON'T do this again."

Everyone agreed. They had all learned a lot, particularly Kyoya-wise. The Shadow King + Alcohol = A complete horrifying drunken mess.

* * *

><p>The next day:<p>

Kyoya was sure that he was dead. His head felt like it was run over by a herd of stampeding Tamaki's. If he had a bazooka, he could explode himself, or if he had a sword, he could run himself through, and maybe the pain would stop. He got up to look for one, and there was a bottle of Advil and a glass of water on the bedside table. The table was pristine white.

He was in a hospital.

He looked about his room. There was a large couch, a flat screen tv, Haruhi, a sink, a door leading to a-

HARUHI?

Very vividly and quickly, Kyoya recalled the events of the night before. He had told them everything that was in his head. Things that only the Shadow King has business knowing.

"Senpai? You should take the medicine. It will help with your hangover."

Very slowly, he took the medicine, and looked at Haruhi.

"Haruhi? What happened last night?"

Haruhi smiled. She had been waiting for an opportunity to blackmail him since her first year at Ouran.

"Well, what do I start with?" she began. "The drinking contest, the love confession or the revealing of the contents of your black book?"

It was going to be a long day for Kyoya Ootori.

The end

* * *

><p>(AN: I write this in my bunker in an undisclosed location, because otherwise the Shadow King will find me. Kyoya, I am sorry, don't kill me, I LOVE YOU! Review? I love reviews. Next, perchance the Princess of the Host club tells all under the influence… And if you liked this mess, read my first fic, 'You paired me with WHO?' You will laugh, hopefully. Review that too. :D)


	2. Time out

Types of Drunk Hosts

(A/N: sorry, this is only sort of a chapter. I'm just detailing what kind of drunks all the Hosts are, and if you don't like, you can suggest a kind of drunk for each host, and I will consider it. If you approve, comment and tell me so!)

Kyoya: Angry/ranting drunk (lol too late!)

Tamaki: Sad drunk

Haruhi: sloppy drunk

Honey: crazy/everywhere drunk

Mori: talkative drunk

Hikaru: philosophical or sentimental drunk

Kaoru: sleazy drunk

Did I miss any?

please review and tell me if you think that these are ok choices for the drunk Hosts!

Update: Benibara as the crazy feminazi (lol)


	3. Tamaki

A night I'd rather forget

(A/N: Did I say that Haruhi was next? Well, not anymore. I felt like writing Tamaki, so I am writing Tamaki. Deal with it. By the way, I don't own OHSHC, and if I did I sure as hell wouldn't write fanfiction of it. Warning: Tamaki is suuper OOC here, and pretty angsty. Well, actually, not really out of character, just showing a side that is very rarely shown in the manga/anime.)

Tamaki was a happy person. He was charming, smiling and basically oozed fulfillment and joy. On the outside, Tamaki was a happy person. He was like that for a reason: to forget about his problems. Some people *Kyoya* called him an idiot, and he didn't really mind it. Being so happy-go-lucky all the time was a welcome break from real life. Tamaki was under a lot of pressure. He had to meet his grandmother's expectations, which was no mean feat. Shizue may have looked fairly harmless, but she was a living nightmare in an old woman's body. She had an aura of evil and power that could rival Honey's, or even Kyoya's when woken up.

She wouldn't even let him live in the same house as her. It was ludicrous. He didn't ask to be born into this family, and it sure as hell wasn't his fault that his father decided to have an affair. To be honest, Tamaki rather hated her. He hated her for her coldness, her (unfounded) hatred of him, and most of all, she wouldn't let him have a kotatsu. That kotatsu was more than just a table. It symbolized a happy family, and was about simplicity and warmth. She wouldn't even let him have that. She was a bitch.

Tamaki was surprised when he received a letter from the main house. It was addressed from the office of his grandmother. Opening it, he began to read.

_To whom this is addressed,_

_It has been decided that there will be a fête in honor of your 18th birthday at the main estate. _

_It will be held in two weeks, and you are to attend._

_More instructions will be sent as necessary._

_-From the office of Shizue Suoh_

He found it kind of amazing that she could write him a letter inviting him to his own birthday party and never once use his name. The degree to which she disliked him was at a level even rivalling Coke and Pepsi. Tamaki set the letter down and sighed. Another fresh attempt to impress his grandmother was coming up. And as usual, it would fail.

* * *

><p>(Two weeks later, at the fête in Tamaki's honor)<p>

This was the first time that Tamaki had ever set foot inside the main Suoh mansion. And it was exquisite. The manse easily eclipsed Tamaki's home by five times at **least. **He was dying to look around and explore it, but that would be taboo. Anyway, just the grand ballroom was spectacular. All the other Hosts were amazed at it. Everyone walked around, admiring the stunning displays: the champagne fountain, the rainbow of sushi, and the solid gold utensils (Haruhi was almost in hysterics thinking about how many groceries one plate alone could buy). The life-size model of Tamaki in ice was a bit much, though.

Tamaki walked around aimlessly for a while until he spotted the rest of the Hosts. He thought to himself: "Better put my mask on."

And he did. Running up to Haruhi, he gave her his usual glomping.

"Haruhi! My lovely daughter! You look so CUTE!"

"Senpai, this is sexual harassment."

"Don't say that! If hugging you like this is harassment, then we need to arrest those shady twins! Somebody call the police!"

"Mori-senpai!"

Mori sighed. He calmly lifted Haruhi from Tamaki's embrace and set her down. In his usual monosyllabic manner, he addressed Tamaki.

"Calm down."

"I know, I know. But you didn't have to do that, senpai. I just wanted to give my daughter a hug. She looks so CUTE!"

After that little excitement, all the Hosts began to walk around and chat, eating snacks and looking at the objets d'art. The party was well under way. Until a few minutes later, when Tamaki's grandmother was announced.

Music began to play and everyone assembled to greet the aging Suoh matriarch. Tamaki was surprised that they didn't throw themselves on the ground to prostrate before her. "This is ridiculous," Tamaki thought, "They act like she's the damn Queen of England or something! Don't they know she's just a bitter old woman?"

He didn't notice that she was standing in front of him until she had cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"Ahem."

Plastering on his 'charming' smile, Tamaki greeted the spiteful old witch.

"Good evening, Grandmother. Thank you for holding this grand party in honor of me. Might I get you something to eat or drink?"

"No, that will be enough. Make sure that you behave yourself, and try not to be as disgusting and low as usual today. Several important guests are here, and I will not have you making a mockery of the Suoh name in front of them. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Grandmother."

"Good. Stay out of my sight. You give me a headache, and I feel sick just looking at you."

She walked away, leaving Tamaki feeling as horrible as he always felt around her. She was a poison. Tamaki walked very slowly to the champagne fountain and stared at it, as if he were trying to find the solution to his problems inside the golden, bubbly flow of expensive liquid. He lifted a glass from the nearby table and filled it with the sparkling wine. He drank the first cup, slowly. It was delicious.

* * *

><p>The other Hosts had watched Tamaki's grandmother berate him in silence. They all knew that no good would come of trying to confront her. They had seen Tamaki's expression as she insulted him, and they were all furious. Hikaru had to hold Kaoru back in fear he would have leaped on the woman. But now Tamaki was drinking champagne. They had never known him to drink anything (even though they may have thought that he was drunk a couple of times: come on, who had met Tamaki and DIDN'T think he was drunk or crazy?) but he looked blank, and had knocked back several glasses already.<p>

Finally, Honey decided that it had been enough, and approached Tamaki.

"Tama-chan, are you okay? Do you want some cake?"

"Why?"

"Because cake makes everything better! It's yummy and sweet and tasty and-"

"That wasn't what I meant. Why does she (sniff) hate me so much?"

"Uh?"

Tamaki had very quickly deteriorated into tears. Not his usual Host tears, or the fake ones he used to get what he wanted, but real tears. He was crying like a baby. This had never been seen before. No one really knew what to do, except Mori. He very slowly started patting Tamaki on the head.

"There, there. Don't cry."

Tamaki was a very contrary person. Even more so when he was drunk. Rising to the occasion as always, Mori's comforting words did quite the opposite. What all these long-winded words mean is that Tamaki just cried harder. Breaking away from Mori, he began to stagger unsteadily over to where his grandmother was conversing with some company owner. Haruhi looked uncomfortable.

"Uh, guys? Should we let him go up to his grandmother in that state? Because he is. Maybe I should stop him…"

As she turned, Kyoya grabbed her arm.

"No, I think that his grandmother deserves to be embarrassed. And whether he goes or not, she will still hate him. Let him go. I want to see this."

"Well, if you're sure-"

"GRANDMÈRE! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!"

"Oh no. This isn't going to end well, is it Kyoya."

It was more a statement than a question.

"No, it will not."

Tamaki had stalked up to his grandmother in tears and begun exclaiming wildly. To put it mildly, she was shocked. Then livid.

"You disgusting boy.. How dare you address me with such familiarity? And how DARE you speak to me?"

"Grandmother! Why?"

"What-"

Tamaki had glomped her with an uncommon strength, and was holding on to her and crying all over her clothes. The whole room seemed to hold its breath. How could the Suoh boy be hugging his evil grandmother like this? It was like seeing a lamb jump into a dragon's mouth.

"You never play with me. I haven't seen you more than 5 times in the two years I've spent here, and only 3 of those times you spoke to me! You won't let me live in the main house. I can't even tell you about my day at school! When you do (sniff) talk to me, it's an excuse to insult me! WHHYYYYYYYYYY?! (breaks down completely) I WANT A KOTATSU!"

Shizue Suoh looked at her illegitimate grandson with an expression eerily reminiscent of regret. Her evil façade crumbled. She sighed.

"Someone carry this pathetic mess out of here. Send him home."

Mori stepped in and put the still crying Tamaki on his shoulders. he carried him out silently, and the rest of the Hosts followed suit. They all piled into Kyoya's limo and drove off to the Suoh mansion #2. when they had arrived, they gave the still inebriated Tamaki over to the housekeepers so that he could be sent to bed.

"Goodnight Tamaki," Haruhi whispered, "Sleep well."

* * *

><p>After the party, Shizue Suoh was thoughtful as she undressed for bed. She had never been so humiliated in her life. Tamaki had made an ass of himself in front of who knew how many business owners and important contacts. No matter how hard she tried to be angry at him, she couldn't. Everything he said was true.<p>

She went to her desk and began to write a letter.

* * *

><p>The next day, Tamaki was broken. His mask had completely fallen off, and he had exposed himself. He almost shivered at the thought of what punishment he would get for the episode the night before.<p>

"Why did I drink all that champagne?" He groaned.

The door to his room opened, and a maid came in.

"Letter for you, Tamaki-sama."

He took the letter and stared at it.

_Tamaki,_

_I think that we need to have a family discussion. Kindly make a time at your leisure._

_-Grandmother_

Maybe he was still drunk. His grandmother writing to him? And not insulting him? Maybe he was being Punk'd, like that American show. He would have to speak to her to find out though…

He picked up a nearby phone and called his grandmother. Maybe after they talked, he wouldn't have to wear his mask any longer.

* * *

><p>(AN: Yeah, not very funny. I wanted Tamaki to be a sad drunk, so yeah. Not happy. The next one will be funny, I promise. But only if you review. BYEEE!)


End file.
